I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
