Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
