EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
