Moan for me like Helen Keller
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
