I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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