I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think people are normalizing furries
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
