I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
