so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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