dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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