I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
