Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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