The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
