Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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