would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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