I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
