The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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