So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
