He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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