There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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