The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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