Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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