Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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