Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
