I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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