My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just gift wrapped bread.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
