I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
