Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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