Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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