im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
