I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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