I'm so fucking centered right now
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
