I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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