my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just cut my nipple shaving
that's an acceptable place to lick
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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