I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
