glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
