I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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