apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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