I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
