Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
