so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
