She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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