Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
