Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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