i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
