just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
