im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
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She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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