Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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