yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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