Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
