Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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