I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
