I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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