Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
