It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
