i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
