i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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