That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
